Welcome to Midnight Mania!
Getting into a fight with a UFC fighter is probably poor strategy. On the same note, a war of words with an award-winning comedian and writer? It’s a poor choice, but it’s nonetheless the situation Dana White finds himself in. He’s now embroiled in a full-on beef with HBO star John Oliver after snatching up Oliver’s “UFSea” wordplay for himself.
Initially, Oliver questioned UFC’s safety protocol during COVID-19. Since White’s trademark barb, Oliver returned fire by mocking everything from UFC’s naming system to its past trademarks to a more personal shot at White’s hairline. Hear it all below:
“First, Dana White intentionally forgetting my name is a truly excellent neg, or rather, it would be if he weren’t only number 83 on GQ’s list of the 100 most powerful bald men in the world from 2013,” Oliver started (transcription via MMAFighting). “Now that is a neg right there, Dana. You got beat by Jason Alexander. You got Costanzaed!
“More importantly, I’m not remotely mad here. I want you to use that name. In fact, I think you should let us rename all of your events, because frankly, you’re not very good at it. Take UFC 249, it’s just your logo plus a number. Where’s the pizzaz there? How about this, UFC: Knuckle Opera? Or Dust Up at the Beef Factory? Or Large Hamboy Collider? It’s better, right? Who doesn’t want to see some hamboys collide right now? Honestly, even the name Dana White could use little punch up. It doesn’t sound like the head of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, it sounds like the third best real estate agent in Sacramento or a video where a white woman calls the cops on a black family for smiling too hard.”
Oliver went on to question UFC’s general originality and clarify some of those pesky “selective facts.”
“I am not mad at Tug Slabmeat for stealing our idea for ‘UFSea,’” Oliver continued. “We may not even be the first person he stole them from. He only filed for the ‘Fight Island’ trademark a week after a TMZ reporter suggested to him he call it that. In fact, the only thing that he’s done here that annoyed me was accusing us of using ‘selective facts,’ because facts are to me what other peoples’ ideas are to Dana White: something I’m very passionate about.
“What apparently upset him was that in our piece we pointed out that three people, a UFC fighter and his two cornermen, all tested positive for coronavirus before a recent event, underscoring the fact that it seems impossible to return to sports completely without risk right now. White responded on Twitter to say ‘we had three events, not one,’ which is completely irrelevant, and that those three positives came from 1,100 tests, which does initially seem to minimize it – until you learn that all those tests were administered to just 300 people. Basically, Dana was quoting a larger number to make the positive results look less significant, which seems like, I don’t know, a selective fact.”
Finally, Oliver and his crew dove into the strange rabbit hole of UFC catchphrases and branded items (which, never forget, includes a hot dog brander).
“Honestly, I think Dana White’s just looking for a fight here. In fact, I’m almost certain that he is because he’s literally trademarked the phrase, ‘Dana White Lookin’ for a Fight.’ And as we learned by looking up his filing for the UFC, it’s just one of the many phrases that he’s trademarked in the past. There’s ‘Fight Library,’ which is excellent, ‘Chicken Monster,’ which is somehow even better, and ‘Baddest Motherf*cker,’ which I always assumed was owned by Samuel L. Jackson. However, interestingly, UFC’s filing for that cites only handful of potential uses, among them, toy figures and action figures, which just makes sense. It’s the perfect phrase to have on a child’s toy.
“But when we started looking deeper, we actually realized that there are a number of trademarks they’ve applied for and got and then let expire, my favorite of which is ‘You Will Submit,’ which they’ve trademarked for use on baby booties, fanny packs, and walking canes; because nothing says I’m going to beat you into submission like a baby with a cane wearing a fanny pack.
“Look, since Dana took something that we came up with, we’re going to return the favor. Guess who is now officially in the process of owning the trademark ‘You Will Submit’? I’ll give you a clue, it’s got two thumbs, it’s sheltering in a white void, and it’s about to sell this baby onesie, which you can find at tugslabmeatsbabypalace.com. Who is the ‘Baddest Motherf*cker’ now, Dana?”
True to his word, tugslabmeatsbabypalace.com will redirect to an HBO shopping page where one can pre-order the aforementioned “You Will Submit” onesie. It sounds likes a must-buy for even the stingiest of fight fans, and at $19.95, it’s at least a better value than UFC 250!
Drugs are bad, mmmkay?
Tatiana Suarez working on her kickboxing — don’t forget about this standout wrestler when discussing the Strawweight title picture!
Shockingly, Leon Edwards is not a fan of the latest rankings update. I hope they find “Rocky” a high-level opponent soon, because he’s a damn excellent fighter.
More shocking news: the Reebok deal is bad.
This post is probably too ratchet for Midnight Mania, but I felt an obligation to pass it on: for the low price of $1500 (anyone still have that stimulus check?), you too can play promoter and fund slap fights between random Instagram chicks.
Unconditional support goes a long way!
Slips, rips, and KO clips
Cory Sandhagen is super slick and talented, and I am psyched to watch him fight this weekend.
Mineev looked a solid two weight classes above his opponent, which definitely helps when standing in the pocket and firing heat.
As it turns out, a size advantage will help in the clinch/along the fence as well. Who knew?!?
Spiderman supports the protests:
Midnight Music: I have decided that this week’s music will indeed be protest themed, and it’s hard to imagine a song that’s retained its message stronger than “What’s Going On.” Aside from the social commentary, What’s Going On is a brilliant example of an artist snatching back creative control to incredible results.
Sleep well Maniacs! More martial arts madness is always on the way.